OTHER STEVE'S ESSAY

as promised in our most recent episode, here's Other Steve's essay on native american tribes of new england. enjoy! we certainly did.



NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES OF NEW ENGLAND
by steve [not THAT Steve. oh fuck, already off to a bad start. just keep reading.]


The Iroquois, Pequot, and Lenni-Lenape Native American Indians. When i Googled "Native American Tribes of New England", these groups were the ones that popped up, therefore i will be devoting this entire essay to those tribes. The whole thing. every word of it. In this essay, i will transport you [The League of Unshaven Gentlemen (or anyone else reading this {or having it read to them})] back in time, and perhaps back in space possibly, although you guys are already in New England [right?] so you probably wont be transported very far if indeed this essay DOES literally transport your physical bodies to select locations singled out in this essay, but you should bring a coat and some snacks anyways just in case. but only one coat. for the three of you to share [who the "Lucky Pierre" will be is up to the League. im cruel but fair (what?). as for the snacks, i think fruit snacks would be okay, but if you guys want you can bring trail mix (do you guys call it gorp? what a weird word. gorp)], or maybe some Go-gurt, that portable yogurt stuff. i mean, if you like that stuff. i think it tastes weird. have you guys discussed Go-gurt on the podcast? i can never remember what you guys have talked about. im such a shitty listener. thats why i think you should give the prize of the aborted The Saint commentary to Steve. The Original Steve. he deserves it, for being such a great fan. HOW DARE I OUTBID HIM?! i just wanted to win. admittedly, i am the kind of person to get caught up in the heat of the moment. one time, this chick said it was because i am a Leo, like astrologically. but that's stupid how could star positions affect my personality Anyway, all that bullshit aside, let us [me] begin with this essay, and the very first tribe i named [yep, i named them. what, you thought i meant like first tribe i named in the list? no way, joses. got a time machine, went back, said "you guys are the Iroquois now." then they tied me to a tree and drove nails thru my ears, the dirty fuckers. but then they were sifting thru my hoodie and found my stash. so they un-nailed me (or de-nailed me) from the tree, and ended up showing me how to make a really keen pipe for smoking. cool guys. ended up really diggin the name Iroquois, too]: The Iroquois.

The Iroquois are also known as "The People of the Longhouse", so named for the super long houses they used to live in. Like, at least ten separate bedrooms, five bathrooms, and like a hundred fucking breakfast nooks. The Iroquois are infamous for their love of breakfasting in nooks. They also make a totally mean crepe, dude. except they didnt have syrup like we have syrup. or maybe it is, i dont know. it wasnt Aunt Jemima, that's for sure. anyway, in their super-long houses, The Iroquois would play these massive, fucking HUGE games of Hide-and-Go-Seek. entire families were lost forever during these games. lost in their long houses. Rumor has it some of these Iroquois discovered portals to alternate dimensions, where they became gods among men, chieftains of the sky amongst the little people of The Tiny Dimension. Unfortunately, due to The Tiny Dimension's wee miniscule size, The Traveling Iroquois were unable to gain hearty sustenance from the eensy-weensy food they were fed, and died soon after their arrival in the mystical Tiny Dimension. Another time there was this family that went missing inside another longhouse [perhaps the same longhouse?]. the family remained huddled together for warmth, because they picked the one fucking room of the longhouse without a space heater in it. soon, over time, but quickly, in a slow kind of way, the small Iroquois family melded together, forming one giant super-being, with sixteen eyes, sixteen arms, sixteen legs, four balls, and two vaginas. legend has it that whoever finds the ultra family being will be assimilated into its mass, overloading its skeletal structure causing the giant monster family creature to explode into a thousand smaller beings, each with its own unique facial hair. of course, i could be wrong. but i am not wrong. because i was there. with a time machine. so suck it, nonbelievers [not you guys. not The League. unless you dont believe me. BELIEVE MY SCRIPTURE].

The Pequot Tribe hails from 17th century Connecticut, which explains their ownership of The World Wrestling Federation until its hostile takeover by The Wide Wide World of Sports. Fuckin panda bears. Little is known about The Pequot tribe, mostly because i only went to Wikipedia to do my research and am drunk and dont feel like reading anymore [it was shortly after writing that sentence that i passed out. writing resumed later. but not much later. like a couple days].

Finally, The Lenni-Lenape Tribe, or "True People Tribe" [so-called because these dudes could not lie. like at all. when i went back in time with my time machine, these Lenni-Lenape guys told a bunch of true stories. they had evidence to back it up and everything], is a group of several bands of Native American Indians located near the Delaware River. The 419-mile-long Delaware River is almost cool enough to get high, but has always lacked that "extra mile". of course, history will remember The Delaware for President George H. Washington and his super-secret river crossing in order to fight The Hessians, most notably portrayed by Christopher Walken in the 1999 Tim Burton film "Sleepy Hollow". But we're not here to talk about George Washington and Christopher Walken giving each other handjobs by the Delawarian beach. We're talkin' The Lenni-Lenape Tribe! Things weren't always hunky-dory between the various groups, but they banded together for a cause. Legend has it that the bands banded together for the sole purpose of holding a "totally bitchin festival known as Waynestock", where it was rumoured Aerosmith would play. The ancient mythology of this tribe was documented in the feature film "Wayne's World 2", now available on VHS. honestly, you guys should rent that movie. its like the first one, but goofier. AND it has Christopher Walken! remember him?! from history?! HJ's with President Washington? although the dude playing Jim Morrison didnt really look like Jim Morrison, but i guess thats not such a big deal. Jim Morrison was four years old in 1947 when he allegedly witnessed a car accident that led to the deaths of an Native American family. according to Morrison, the event was the most formative event of his life, no doubt due to the power of Native American legend, as well as him being a small child witnessing a fatal fucking crash scene with peoples' dead bodies laying around all over the place. The Lenni-Lenape tribe was really really good at agriculture, specializing in the planting and/or harvesting of squash, maize, and beans. they also had some stinky stinky farts. and some stinky fart contests. one Lenni-Lenape Native American would eat as many squashes and maizes and bearns as he could. three other members of the tribe would sit with him in solitude while the first guy just farted and farted, spreading his poo gas around the room. the last of the three other dudes to leave was declared the winner, his prize being that he would then be the one who gets to consume the farty foods.

In Conclusion, this essay shows that Native American tribes indigenous to the New England area of the United States were extremely influential in shaping the nation into what it is today. somehow.

THIS BLOG

IS DEAD. AND SO AM I. I'M DEAD. BYE!!!!!

Reflections.

hi me want to say hi me love you guys thanks for reading this blog me have so much fun writing in it all of the times me think that sometimes it be hard to think of funnies to make everyone with laugh but me write anyway even when me have no ideas for stuff to write in blog me still want to write in it for making you happy and with many laugh me love you and me love laugh also me love pizza and me love pepsi do you like pepsi because me love it oh so much me love it so much me love the bubbles and me love how it brown and taste like sweet me drink it every day and all time i am eat pizza me love pizza when it is put on pepperonis and me love cheese and me love crust sometimes me eat crust first is me crazy but me love it so much me eat dominos and me eat pizza hut and me eat wings from pizza hut and me drink pepsi and me love milk too with drinking when me drink milk and pepsi together me love that and me feel dark and me feel sad and me want to make hurt on people all people and make them go die and make them with blood and me think that when me make hurt it be the only way me can feel anything so me hurt and me scream and sometimes me laugh because me love laugh and blood and hurt and scream and me want everything to end me beg god please god please me die me die me die and me love root beer and and sometimes me eat big macs me get from macdonald's me hungry now go bye!!!!

Art = Truth = Life

I thought I'd use the massive popularity of this blog to showcase some of my poetry. Bear with me, this one is still a work in progress. I was really trying to evoke the fragility of the human condition, and explore the notion that what we perceive as "reality" is so much more than "subjective", it's actually "truth".


CONFIGURATE
by Duncan Pelletier (should I go all lower case, cummings style? What do you think? either way...)

My butt poops
with a farty smell.
The shit is a poop
and looks like brown.
Rich, dark,
chocolatey turds.
I am poop,
poop is me and we are married
eternal
like a sacrament.
I likey poop farts
and bum-bum squeezies
with logs performing an exodus
from my hole (butt-hole)
to splash into a porcelain sea.
The beauty of shit.
The fragrance of balls.
Balls and shit poop are hairy,
hairy poop chunks.
Puke on the shit.
Mix the puke-shit with balls.
Wipe my balls on a hobo.
Are we?
We are, so very much,
a poop butt.
Fart a shit in a butt butt poop dick.
Also, boobs.


So what do you guys think? This is only a 5th draft, so go easy. Let me know.

Incredibly, even more FREE BAND NAMES

The Hellatubbies

Shakespeare's Dick

Death Pig

Knights of Paris Forever

Lion Eyes

Lionize

If You've Goth It, Haunt It

Blud Klot

i will scream the truth and i will not be silenced

Spleenkill

Perforate

Trial by Firefly

The Monkey Jumpers

Sklint

The New Sweetwater Canyon River Town Junction Boys

Parson Arson

Happy Fucking Birthday Stephanie You Bitch

A Breath of Fresh

Sarah Palindromemordnilap Haras

Anna's Thong: A Tribute to Silverchair and Sisqo

Crunchy Funk Easy Times Yeah Dude

g/l/i/m/m/e/r

The Capital Lists

The Todd Biggins Band

Clunderpus

Happy weekend, y'all!

FREE BAND NAMES

Toast
Goblinshit
Pigeonhole
Smash Mouth
Spank Dick
The Breast Friends
Fart to Fart
Still, Life
Weaponized Whiteness
Whispers of Banglage
The Thin Mints
Control Alt Defeat
Deep Blue Something
Gamestate
Wart is Hell
We Are
The Price is Write
Switchback Alley
The Jeggings
Johnny Disappointment and the Letdowns
Shoobie Doobie
Sonlight
The Ass Cranberries
Brainhole
Friendly Napalm Strike
Tits, Slits and Other Bits
Foghat
Hambooger
The Nameless
Cock of the Rock
The Smoove n' Creamies
Tiger Stew
Johnny Grand and the Canyons
Chevy Chaste
Cool White Guy Sleepover Party
Boob Cube
Rasta Pasta and the Jahs
The Dongs
The Cockblock Blockers
Me No Know
Anus Christmas
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Herpes
Dead Fat Chick
Funk Dust
Tugget
Skinscreen
V3
onetwothreebang
Nuffin Muffin
Schindler's Setlist
2th Paced
Slinder
Tel Aviv I Said Hi
Will They Won't They
Smelly Cat
Sin Deisel
Sideways Sideways is Right Side Up
The Diary of Anne Spank
Hoobastank
The Spin Doctors
Rage Against the Machine
Nine Inch Nails
The Beatles
Aaron Neville

enjoy, guys!!! you're welcome.

Moving On...

Forget about the Oscars. Drop everything you're doing and listen to this right now, all of it.

OSCARS WRAP-UP

Well, there you have it. Couldn't have been a better show. Every moment was fascinating. I've seen a lot of awards shows, but this takes the cake. Do they have Oscars for the people who do the Oscars? Because they should get one. I can't believe what I'm feeling right now: content, inspired, and exhausted from being entertained so thoroughly. My mind is blown. The last time I felt like this was after watching "The King's Peach". So you can imagine my overwhelming pleasure when it took home so many awards! Wow. It's hard to even articulate my joy. This was like "The King's Peach" of Oscars, in that it was the best and it totally "won" this year... "won" me over, that is!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (That joke was made possible by Billy Crystal, my spirit guide and absolute comedy hero) Even though they disappointingly left Corey Haim out of the memorial, I'm still glad all those other dead people's faces were there on the screen in front of my own face, which ran with tears as I ached with remembrance. Colin Firth is British? Didn't even know!! Argh, I learned so much and changed so much as a person tonight!! Here's some highlights:

Christian Bale's fake beard (Jack Shepard-style)
Kirk Douglas's drooping earlobes
Anne Hathaway's giant mouth
The girl from Precious finally won!
Natalie Portman's drooping earlobes
Brian Posehn sneaking into the end credits
Traveling through some sort of a space vortex into a world of Franco
Jeff Bridges' real eyepatch
Smelling the booze on Javier Bardem's breath through the TV
Timberlake bein' Timberlake! (what a rascal)
Not being able to tell the difference between Hilary Swank and Mark Wahlberg
Tom Hanks' flaccid penis dangling through his open fly
Annette Benning catching on fire
That one guy's huge jewfro
Brendan Fraser finally winning a Lifetime Achievement Award
David O. Russell called Lily Tomlin a "cunt"
The trailer for "The Fockers Die"
Jesse Eisenberg getting raped by a grizzly bear (awesome)
Jesse Eisenberg dying from complications due to his rape injuries
Jack Nicholson raping Jesse Eisenberg's dead body
M. Night Shamamalayan crying
Halle Berry making herself throw up with Steve-O from Jackass
Cast of Jersey Shore eating popcorn in the back
Jim Carrey "rubberfacing"
Kevin Spacey freestyle rapping
Matt Damon crying
When Wil Wheaton and Jerry O'Connell got chased by a train
Lance Reddick conducting the pit orchestra
Two glorious seconds of Diane Weist
Jeff Bridges reaching into Portman's vagina and ripping her baby out
Hugh Jackman eating Portman's newly dead baby
Spielberg jacking off in the pile of placenta and blood onstage
Sandra Bullock being JUST GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL
Gwyneth Paltrow singing into a dildo
When Bubba died right there on that beach in Vietnam
Tim Burton and Joel Cohen mistaking themselves for one another
EMMA WATSON (!)
People talking and I don't care
The group of orphans singing at the end
Digging up the orphans' dead parents and setting up their coffins onstage
Lady Gaga's swan dress
Scarlett Johansson on Xanax
Christopher Nolan interrupting the show to reveal the villain in the new Batman
Helena Bonham Carter being absolutely despicable in every way
Banksy getting lynched by PETA for painting an elephant
Mel Gibson's face as the backdrop for the set the ENTIRE time
Diet Dr. Pepper tasting just like regular Dr. Pepper
I forgot Dennis Hopper died
Matthew Broderick ran over a kid when he was drunk
Franco simultaneously appearing on "Minute to Win it" (true)
The return of popular MTV veejay Kennedy
Brolin's neck (or lack thereof)
When Keanu jumped out of the plane after Swayze without a chute
Bear Grylls making a wetsuit vest out of seal skin
The marionette show
The incredible performance by Good Charlotte
And of course.... ORANGE MCCONAUGHEY (sp?)

Well, can't wait til next year. If it were up to me, Randy would have won every award AND hosted (sorry Franco). I had SOOOOOOOOO much fun you guys! I wish the Oscars was every Sunday night! I have two words for the producers of next year's show... MORE MIMES!

Goddamn You, Bacon.

I watched this whole thing while jerking off and good lord, I came hard. I couldn't even see or hear for a few seconds, it was so intense (my orgasm).

Yes.

funny every time.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

IS ANYONE ELSE TOTALLY EXCITED FOR THIS UPCOMING FILM???!?!?!?!?

Motivation

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