OSCARS WRAP-UP

Well, there you have it. Couldn't have been a better show. Every moment was fascinating. I've seen a lot of awards shows, but this takes the cake. Do they have Oscars for the people who do the Oscars? Because they should get one. I can't believe what I'm feeling right now: content, inspired, and exhausted from being entertained so thoroughly. My mind is blown. The last time I felt like this was after watching "The King's Peach". So you can imagine my overwhelming pleasure when it took home so many awards! Wow. It's hard to even articulate my joy. This was like "The King's Peach" of Oscars, in that it was the best and it totally "won" this year... "won" me over, that is!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (That joke was made possible by Billy Crystal, my spirit guide and absolute comedy hero) Even though they disappointingly left Corey Haim out of the memorial, I'm still glad all those other dead people's faces were there on the screen in front of my own face, which ran with tears as I ached with remembrance. Colin Firth is British? Didn't even know!! Argh, I learned so much and changed so much as a person tonight!! Here's some highlights:

Christian Bale's fake beard (Jack Shepard-style)
Kirk Douglas's drooping earlobes
Anne Hathaway's giant mouth
The girl from Precious finally won!
Natalie Portman's drooping earlobes
Brian Posehn sneaking into the end credits
Traveling through some sort of a space vortex into a world of Franco
Jeff Bridges' real eyepatch
Smelling the booze on Javier Bardem's breath through the TV
Timberlake bein' Timberlake! (what a rascal)
Not being able to tell the difference between Hilary Swank and Mark Wahlberg
Tom Hanks' flaccid penis dangling through his open fly
Annette Benning catching on fire
That one guy's huge jewfro
Brendan Fraser finally winning a Lifetime Achievement Award
David O. Russell called Lily Tomlin a "cunt"
The trailer for "The Fockers Die"
Jesse Eisenberg getting raped by a grizzly bear (awesome)
Jesse Eisenberg dying from complications due to his rape injuries
Jack Nicholson raping Jesse Eisenberg's dead body
M. Night Shamamalayan crying
Halle Berry making herself throw up with Steve-O from Jackass
Cast of Jersey Shore eating popcorn in the back
Jim Carrey "rubberfacing"
Kevin Spacey freestyle rapping
Matt Damon crying
When Wil Wheaton and Jerry O'Connell got chased by a train
Lance Reddick conducting the pit orchestra
Two glorious seconds of Diane Weist
Jeff Bridges reaching into Portman's vagina and ripping her baby out
Hugh Jackman eating Portman's newly dead baby
Spielberg jacking off in the pile of placenta and blood onstage
Sandra Bullock being JUST GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL
Gwyneth Paltrow singing into a dildo
When Bubba died right there on that beach in Vietnam
Tim Burton and Joel Cohen mistaking themselves for one another
EMMA WATSON (!)
People talking and I don't care
The group of orphans singing at the end
Digging up the orphans' dead parents and setting up their coffins onstage
Lady Gaga's swan dress
Scarlett Johansson on Xanax
Christopher Nolan interrupting the show to reveal the villain in the new Batman
Helena Bonham Carter being absolutely despicable in every way
Banksy getting lynched by PETA for painting an elephant
Mel Gibson's face as the backdrop for the set the ENTIRE time
Diet Dr. Pepper tasting just like regular Dr. Pepper
I forgot Dennis Hopper died
Matthew Broderick ran over a kid when he was drunk
Franco simultaneously appearing on "Minute to Win it" (true)
The return of popular MTV veejay Kennedy
Brolin's neck (or lack thereof)
When Keanu jumped out of the plane after Swayze without a chute
Bear Grylls making a wetsuit vest out of seal skin
The marionette show
The incredible performance by Good Charlotte
And of course.... ORANGE MCCONAUGHEY (sp?)

Well, can't wait til next year. If it were up to me, Randy would have won every award AND hosted (sorry Franco). I had SOOOOOOOOO much fun you guys! I wish the Oscars was every Sunday night! I have two words for the producers of next year's show... MORE MIMES!