as promised in our most recent episode, here's Other Steve's essay on native american tribes of new england. enjoy! we certainly did.
NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES OF NEW ENGLAND
by steve [not THAT Steve. oh fuck, already off to a bad start. just keep reading.]
The Iroquois, Pequot, and Lenni-Lenape Native American Indians. When i Googled "Native American Tribes of New England", these groups were the ones that popped up, therefore i will be devoting this entire essay to those tribes. The whole thing. every word of it. In this essay, i will transport you [The League of Unshaven Gentlemen (or anyone else reading this {or having it read to them})] back in time, and perhaps back in space possibly, although you guys are already in New England [right?] so you probably wont be transported very far if indeed this essay DOES literally transport your physical bodies to select locations singled out in this essay, but you should bring a coat and some snacks anyways just in case. but only one coat. for the three of you to share [who the "Lucky Pierre" will be is up to the League. im cruel but fair (what?). as for the snacks, i think fruit snacks would be okay, but if you guys want you can bring trail mix (do you guys call it gorp? what a weird word. gorp)], or maybe some Go-gurt, that portable yogurt stuff. i mean, if you like that stuff. i think it tastes weird. have you guys discussed Go-gurt on the podcast? i can never remember what you guys have talked about. im such a shitty listener. thats why i think you should give the prize of the aborted The Saint commentary to Steve. The Original Steve. he deserves it, for being such a great fan. HOW DARE I OUTBID HIM?! i just wanted to win. admittedly, i am the kind of person to get caught up in the heat of the moment. one time, this chick said it was because i am a Leo, like astrologically. but that's stupid how could star positions affect my personality Anyway, all that bullshit aside, let us [me] begin with this essay, and the very first tribe i named [yep, i named them. what, you thought i meant like first tribe i named in the list? no way, joses. got a time machine, went back, said "you guys are the Iroquois now." then they tied me to a tree and drove nails thru my ears, the dirty fuckers. but then they were sifting thru my hoodie and found my stash. so they un-nailed me (or de-nailed me) from the tree, and ended up showing me how to make a really keen pipe for smoking. cool guys. ended up really diggin the name Iroquois, too]: The Iroquois.
The Iroquois are also known as "The People of the Longhouse", so named for the super long houses they used to live in. Like, at least ten separate bedrooms, five bathrooms, and like a hundred fucking breakfast nooks. The Iroquois are infamous for their love of breakfasting in nooks. They also make a totally mean crepe, dude. except they didnt have syrup like we have syrup. or maybe it is, i dont know. it wasnt Aunt Jemima, that's for sure. anyway, in their super-long houses, The Iroquois would play these massive, fucking HUGE games of Hide-and-Go-Seek. entire families were lost forever during these games. lost in their long houses. Rumor has it some of these Iroquois discovered portals to alternate dimensions, where they became gods among men, chieftains of the sky amongst the little people of The Tiny Dimension. Unfortunately, due to The Tiny Dimension's wee miniscule size, The Traveling Iroquois were unable to gain hearty sustenance from the eensy-weensy food they were fed, and died soon after their arrival in the mystical Tiny Dimension. Another time there was this family that went missing inside another longhouse [perhaps the same longhouse?]. the family remained huddled together for warmth, because they picked the one fucking room of the longhouse without a space heater in it. soon, over time, but quickly, in a slow kind of way, the small Iroquois family melded together, forming one giant super-being, with sixteen eyes, sixteen arms, sixteen legs, four balls, and two vaginas. legend has it that whoever finds the ultra family being will be assimilated into its mass, overloading its skeletal structure causing the giant monster family creature to explode into a thousand smaller beings, each with its own unique facial hair. of course, i could be wrong. but i am not wrong. because i was there. with a time machine. so suck it, nonbelievers [not you guys. not The League. unless you dont believe me. BELIEVE MY SCRIPTURE].
The Pequot Tribe hails from 17th century Connecticut, which explains their ownership of The World Wrestling Federation until its hostile takeover by The Wide Wide World of Sports. Fuckin panda bears. Little is known about The Pequot tribe, mostly because i only went to Wikipedia to do my research and am drunk and dont feel like reading anymore [it was shortly after writing that sentence that i passed out. writing resumed later. but not much later. like a couple days].
Finally, The Lenni-Lenape Tribe, or "True People Tribe" [so-called because these dudes could not lie. like at all. when i went back in time with my time machine, these Lenni-Lenape guys told a bunch of true stories. they had evidence to back it up and everything], is a group of several bands of Native American Indians located near the Delaware River. The 419-mile-long Delaware River is almost cool enough to get high, but has always lacked that "extra mile". of course, history will remember The Delaware for President George H. Washington and his super-secret river crossing in order to fight The Hessians, most notably portrayed by Christopher Walken in the 1999 Tim Burton film "Sleepy Hollow". But we're not here to talk about George Washington and Christopher Walken giving each other handjobs by the Delawarian beach. We're talkin' The Lenni-Lenape Tribe! Things weren't always hunky-dory between the various groups, but they banded together for a cause. Legend has it that the bands banded together for the sole purpose of holding a "totally bitchin festival known as Waynestock", where it was rumoured Aerosmith would play. The ancient mythology of this tribe was documented in the feature film "Wayne's World 2", now available on VHS. honestly, you guys should rent that movie. its like the first one, but goofier. AND it has Christopher Walken! remember him?! from history?! HJ's with President Washington? although the dude playing Jim Morrison didnt really look like Jim Morrison, but i guess thats not such a big deal. Jim Morrison was four years old in 1947 when he allegedly witnessed a car accident that led to the deaths of an Native American family. according to Morrison, the event was the most formative event of his life, no doubt due to the power of Native American legend, as well as him being a small child witnessing a fatal fucking crash scene with peoples' dead bodies laying around all over the place. The Lenni-Lenape tribe was really really good at agriculture, specializing in the planting and/or harvesting of squash, maize, and beans. they also had some stinky stinky farts. and some stinky fart contests. one Lenni-Lenape Native American would eat as many squashes and maizes and bearns as he could. three other members of the tribe would sit with him in solitude while the first guy just farted and farted, spreading his poo gas around the room. the last of the three other dudes to leave was declared the winner, his prize being that he would then be the one who gets to consume the farty foods.
In Conclusion, this essay shows that Native American tribes indigenous to the New England area of the United States were extremely influential in shaping the nation into what it is today. somehow.
